Diona Nicole; That Girl loved by him. ★

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

my deepest thoughts.

Baby, can we solve this misunderstanding together?
In that message, I mentioned I want a break, not as in a break up and separate that kind of break. How could I even want a break up with you when I know I'm gonna cry buckets when I lose you and I can't lose you I know it clear myself. I was hoping you'll give me that bit of assurance. Sorry I got the wrong message across. I fucked my own relationship now.

One whole day and night of crying, unable to eat nor drink. I know I'm hungry, but I've no appetite at all. It will be over soon, all these sorrows and miseries I'll learn to let go soon. I know the first few days or maybe weeks will be very tough for me myself. I need to tide it over.

We're over. You said we're really over. I hate to accept the truth. We're not over, we're just put through a test, we had an misunderstanding. It will be over and all will be fine again. Maybe I did a wrong step from the start. Trust me, whatever I told you in those messages are the truth. That message gone wrong was sent on a purpose. But I misunderstood, and it was a message gone wrong. It backfired and I got my own ass burning now.

Looks like its really better to let go of things now. I don't want to have to feel like this again. I don't know how long its gonna take me to let go of this past relationship. It won't be easy even if we were together only for 2 months plus. But I put in a lot of my feelings in this 2 months plus, I thank you for everything for these 2 months plus. There won't be a 3rd month coming anymore. I made you a pretty 3rd month card that I can't wait for you to receive it and see what I've to say. Its over, you won't bother anymore. Give me time, I'll throw it away when I feel better.

Give me time, I won't cry anymore as much. It will slowly be gone. Give me time, I will try my hardest not to bug you anymore, I know that is the last thing you want now. I won't, pretty soon.
It is really hard for me to say I don't love you anymore, because I've to be honest with myself. I know this is the only place where I can speak these out, the only place I can spill everything out, the only place I might be able to get the message across to you, to reach out to you. I won't hear your voice on the phone anymore, I won't get your message anymore. I hate to admit, that its really over. This is the only place that there might be a possibility that you'll still read. I don't know, but I'll just try.

Hear me out, whatever I've to say. I love you, I really did for the past 2 months. We didn't got together easy, we know each other for 2 years over, I fallen for you past year 2 as days go. After seeing you in school, in class all the time. After working with you for FYP for a whole 2 semesters.

Friends telling me you might have fallen for me, slowly by slowly. I didn't believe it, that is why I act not to care, for you to show your true feelings. Maybe you were shy, maybe you just didn't care. The mentos incident on my table, it made me happy really. The time during Supply Chain Management class when you bought 2 chocolate bars, one for yourself. You asked if I want the other one, maybe it meant nothing to you, maybe you didn't meant it that way. But I was happy, I was smiling inside. You never knew how happy it was for me that you come for FYP, that you come for school. Especially when we are in the same team, even if we're not, I still get to interact with you when we go for lunch. We might not have talked a lot or appear too close during school days, sorry I was shy. I was afraid of letting you see through my feelings.

I've a lot to say, and its all coming out mixed in the mind now. My entire mind is very flooded and I've really a lot I want to let you know. But there is no chance anymore. Even this post, I won't know if you're reading it, but I hope you're. Because they are the deepest thoughts I've had in my mind about you, and I hope I feel better after speaking them out.

When you didn't come for school or FYP. Trust me if I say that I really feel weird, I got used to having you around. I don't show it that I want you there, but I do, I really do. Times in school were times where I'd fallen for you, I never let you know this before. Now you know. School is over, 2 months ago, we got together. I was really happy. Really very happy you popped that question. Remember the first day after UT after we got together? Actually I was very shy about it, I was very shy when I faced you. But I let it go, I thought to myself I can't be doing that. It will give you the wrong impression that I don't care, when I do want to hold your hand then.

Our first movie together, the tooth fairy, we sat in the cinema. It was considered the first date, we didn't open up as much. After that, you sent me home on your bike. It was the first time, I didn't know exactly where to hold, how to be safe, how to wear the helmet, how to this, how to that. You were with me all that time, I got you to help me wear my helmet because I didn't know how, and I didn't want to do it wrongly. I didn't know where to hold, I just grabbed onto your bag tightly for the first week. After that, I eventually found the right place to hold to feel safe. It was not on your shoulders, not on your back, anywhere but right around your waist. That was the right place, I was shy. But eventually I had to take that step out. So I did, and I never want to stop. Every time after we got to my place for the first week or so, I get down your bike. I want to tell you that I want you to stay and maybe we can sit at the void deck and spend some time together. But I never did say, so you ride back. I regretted not opening up then. Now there's no chance anymore.

I swear this post is everything I remember of. I remember our first peck, our first kiss where our lips meet, our first tight hug, the way you put your arms round my waist, the way you hold my hands in the movie. And that second movie we caught "Valentines Day" where everything became more like a couple. West Coast Park, East Coast Park, Plaza Singapura, Orchard with Vanessa, Marina Square, Old Airport Road, Sim Lim Square, Newton Circle, Bedok 85, Bugis Market, Yishun Tau Huay, Sun Plaza, many many places we have been together.

Right now, everything seems to remind me of you. You lying next to me, hugging me to sleep, looking into your eyes and faces when I wake up beside you. Your photos, my hand phone, my laptop, the cards, that key ring, that hand phone key chain, your helmet, the stuffed toys, my bolster, my blanket, my entire bed, even my room and my sofa and my house. I hate to be here now. Everything and everything. )':

I can't stop crying last night. It was so terrible. I'm not kidding. I cried myself to sleep, I didn't say this because I want you to feel bad, nor to show everyone how vulnerable I am to love. Because I still care. Very much care for you and want you back by my side. I miss you a lot. I don't know what you're thinking. But why does it aches me so much? And it aches my heart more to see that you could let go of me so easy, that you no longer want to hear from me, it aches me to see our love turns out like this. Baby, I know I hurt you by that message a lot. I'm really sorry I was rash. You must be hurting now too, as much as I'm. Baby, I'm sorrryyyyy. Give me chance to make amends. THAT MESSAGE WAS SO WRONG.

I want to treasure. Every love don't come easy. I very want to hold you tight and never let go. I don't want to have to give up on us, but its not something I can say or decide anymore. Please don't give up on us, don't give up on me. I promise to change, I promise to be more understanding. Give me time, I'll learn along with you. I'll change. All I need is that chance to make it all okay again. I know you don't like me like this, I'll change. It will be for my own good. Baby, can you really bear to let this go? I promise to be good, I promise to work harder and be a better girlfriend. We can always talk things out when problems popped. I won't be rash anymore. Really. You have to trust me, baby.

I still have a lot to say, but I can't continue now.

"If you love someone, let them go. If they return, they're meant to be yours. And always will."

I love you, J. So much so much. Really do. Why did it have to be over?

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