Monday, December 28, 2009
#30: this is gonna be vulgar.
Feeling very emotional and mixed feeling suddenly. Then, as you know, I'll always turn to my blog to listen to my words and feelings. But every time I talk about those things that I'm unhappy about, no one seems to understand. Its all in bits and pieces, only I'll piece them up and understand what I'm feeling. Not because no one bothers, but because I don't let them understand. Because I don't know how else to make them understand. And I don't see a need to bother other people with my problems too. (;I don't know why. But I can't stand the way some people behave. I can't stand the ego, I can't stand the pride issue. I can't stand how people can just behave that way. Why can't we just remove that bit of ego, that bit of pride issue and just solve the issue. The point about getting attention, about trying to make oneself feels superior because he/she is wanted and that he/she is on the upper hand. I hate how it made my friends behave. I hate all the silly things that people do. I dislike seeing and facing people who just wants to get on the upper hand and feel very much wanted. But humans are just like that. Ah, crap that. For that is issue number one that upsets me about my life now. Next. I hate how I'm nowhere here, nowhere there. Dislike the fact that I'm nowhere in place and getting nowhere. I can't get forward, I get pushed back to where I started off from. I can't move backwards too, because my heart don't want to let me let it end. That is the crucial part, I fear to go ahead, but I dread it even more to let things end. I don't know what to do with it, I don't have the courage, I don't have the strength. I don't know what to do, I just let it be. Wait for sky to drop, wait for miracle to appear. This is issue number two in my life now that gets me frustrated. Next. My FYP. Its hanging, nothing is done this holidays. I want to get something done, but my heart and my mind just won't frigging budge. And I know the consequence if I let this holidays end neglecting my FYP. I jolly well know the heavy consequences. And I'm fucking frustrated. That will be going back to school, on Wednesday school reopens, when we face our supervisor, no one is gonna respond, our supervisor will be waiting for someone to speak up about what is being done, to update him. No one will get the ball rolling, because apparently nothing is done. Then, I'll have to speak up because as the leader, I feel I need to be responsible for the progress. Leader for the second time, I don't learn, I don't really learn from my lessons uh. Adding on invisible stress to the whole self-proclaimed "I'm supposed to be responsible" shit. Then, when I start speaking, I screw things up and don't know what the hell I'm talking about. Then, it gets everyone confused, I get confused, our supervisor gets confused. Then, I land myself in deep shit. Not knowing how else to speak up to, not knowing what to carry on with. Then, what else. Week 10/11 of FYP starts, we get stuck there again, no progress again. I don't know how to fill up the Project Manager, I delay the time to send our supervisor the Project Manager. Then, ended up I get bombarded with web mails and guilt, and stress. So, I send it, things are solved, for that week. Progress is still not going on well. What happens then? Snowball, procrastinate. Drag to next week, Week 11/12 starts, same things. Nothing to show Supervisor. I get worried, I get frustrated, I feel that stress. Dig my own grave again. Then feel guilty and heavily responsible again. Then, worsen my medical condition myself, kick my own grave. Really. Then what. FYP assessment closing in close to Week 15. Rush report, try to get everyone involved, try to split the work, messed up the whole damn report. Then kanchiong, stress, then what. Suck balls. Rush poster. Day for assessment comes, Week 15. Panick, before that cry. Before that stress until can die. Team mates tell me don't stress. I flare up. I lose my temper. I screw my own assessment up. You know what, I just predicted all these will happen in coming weeks. Believe it or not. AND RIGHT NOW, I'M FRIGGING NOT UPDATED WITH HOW THE TWO OF MY TEAM MATES ARE DOING WITH THEIR SURFACE RESPONSE EXPERIMENT. SMSES SENT, MAILS SENT, ASKING FOR UPDATES WITH THEIR PROGRESS. Know what? NO REPLY. FML. I JUST NEED TO TOLERATE IT FOR 6 MORE WEEKS. FML.FML.FML.Fuck FYP OKAY. And F everything else. |
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